I like a book about friendship so snapped this up when I was emailed about it, and I know I have at least one blog reader who is going to want to know about this one. It wasn’t quite the book I was looking for and made me a little uncomfortable in places, but I did gain a couple of valuable insights. And I have finished reading (or rejecting with good reason) all my eight NetGalley books published in March!
Elizabeth Day – “Friendaholic: Confessions of a Friendship Addict”
(13 December 2022, NetGalley)
The basic premise of this book is that Day finds, during the pandemic lockdown, that her life is empty because she has lost her main interest and hobby, which for her is friendship. We quickly learn, though, that unlike most of us who missed our friends, best and otherwise, and made convoluted arrangements to get a glimpse of them during lockdown, Day has, because of difficult formative experiences in the main, over-stretched herself, taken on every friendship she can gather and failed to maintain boundaries, making herself pretty stressed and miserable as a result. She then examines friendship theories (there are decent footnotes), shares what she’s learned about herself from her inner circle and interrogates her close friends about their friendship.
She creates most of the book out of intimate portrayals of her friendships, both successful and over, and it was this I had trouble with – I can only assume the ones who were current friends gave permission and saw the text pre-publication, but what about the others, and she makes no efforts to hide or blur their identities and it’s easy to identify them; in fact one of them is someone I know slightly, and I found this uncomfortable reading.
Also, Day’s journey through infertility is covered in depth, which I wasn’t expecting, and there’s a really quite upsetting chapter about how destroyed she has been by this (which I totally understand, being childless-not-through-choice myself) and how she is always damaged and reeling when friends get pregnant / appears to bitterly resent when relationships change a bit when friends have children and she has to go to them physically. I notice that friends with children often think those of us without aren’t interested in them, and I am totally happy to go round and wade through nappies when there are smalls around, just as my lovely friends came for wobbly walks and wincy coffees with me after I had my endometriosis operation. While it’s a personal narrative there is a sort of expectation that everyone in that situation feels the same, which feels actively damaging: I don’t want any friend who’s a parent to feel they have to tiptoe round me or think I’m sitting there in seething resentment if I spot a muslin!
There are positives to the book. Although the piece on her friend who had to face a serious health issue and the re-evaluation of all her relationships felt a bit intrusive, it gave a useful report on how it feels to be the person in a friendship whose life has changed, reminding me that friends who have been struck by health issues need to feel they are contributing something to the relationship (my friends who have still provide vital having-my-back attitudes and safe spaces but maybe I’m not good enough at explaining that to them) and the chapter on the death of a friend, as well as the comments on the lack of accepted stages in friendships and the ignoring of the end of friendships as an important thing, are useful. Day makes a solid effort at representing diversity in the book, her mini-interviews on friendship covering older and younger people, LGBTQ+ and straight, and different ethnicities, as well as the friends she writes about in detail including a Black woman and a British Asian man.
This was the second quite personal, confessional book I’ve read in a row and I have to say that this overstepped the mark into the personal for me, and I preferred Katherine May‘s approach. That and my issues with the infertility sections are undoubtedly down to me and my own situation and persona, and I’m sure lots of people will enjoy this book.
Thank you to Fourth Estate for providing me with a copy of this book via NetGalley in return for an honest review. “Friendaholic” was published on 30 March 2023.
Adventures in reading, running and working from home 
Mar 31, 2023 @ 08:31:04
Ooooh this sounds like a tricky line to walk, and from your description, I’m not sure Day does it successfully throughout. In some ways, writing about the souring of a friendship feels more personal and taboo than writing about the souring of a romantic relationship, especially if no attempt is made to anonymise. (It reminds me a bit of Bill Bryson’s A Walk in the Woods, which I’ve always loved, but which apparently devastated his friend Steven Katz, who’s portrayed as a figure of fun in the book. Learning that has sort of spoiled the experience of rereading it, for me.)
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Apr 01, 2023 @ 16:41:36
Yes, I remember finding that out about BB and being sad. You have a point, as I’ve read confessional books about relationships and this does feel different; maybe I think of friendships as being more sacred. I presume she got permission: my copy didn’t have the acknowledgements so I’ll have to find a published copy to see what she says!
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Mar 31, 2023 @ 08:38:10
Hmm, that’s an interesting one Liz. I followed the story of her infertility and marriage break-up. She did Observer columns about books she’d read and once replied to an email I wrote about a review. I tried her novel, The Party, but didn’t get on with it. I sense that there are more and better things to come from this writer.
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Apr 01, 2023 @ 16:42:35
Oh that’s interesting; I came into this knowing nothing about her, just enticed by an email via NetGalley. She certainly writes well and interestingly, I just felt this was too personal and messy, even though it’s obviously a personal topic.
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Apr 02, 2023 @ 07:59:32
Just in case you din’t know Liz The Observer today features an article about her friendship with Joan. I haven’t read it yet but it may be worth your looking at the paper.
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Apr 02, 2023 @ 18:16:11
Thank you – I will have a look. She popped up on the radio on the way home from parkrun yesterday, too, so she seems to be everywhere!
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Mar 31, 2023 @ 08:56:33
I forget who said this, maybe Bertrand Russell, but his advice was never to make friends with a writer because s/he will use in a book.
It sounds to me as if this writer has overstepped the mark.
I’m sorry to hear that the section about childlessness was upsetting. I have a very dear friend in that space and I know how fragile it can be.
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Apr 01, 2023 @ 16:44:52
Yes, this is true, but at least people are often disguised and recognise themselves – in this case I am in no way connected with the author but recognised one of her friends by her description of her and one because I do know him slightly. Felt a bit much! Regarding the childlessness part of it, it was an interesting and complex reaction on my part because I was very much feeling, “no, I like it when other people have children and I am fine and robust when they do” but then it upset me to think of the very common stereotype of childless people not liking children being perpetuated!
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Mar 31, 2023 @ 10:21:18
I’m so sorry that you encountered unexpected upsetting material in this book. I agree with what you say about friends with children assuming that you’re not interested in children if you don’t have children of your own – I wish they wouldn’t make this assumption, as it often means getting left out!
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Apr 01, 2023 @ 16:46:50
Thank you for the back-up there; it’s something that has bothered me for years. Thankfully my own best friend wasn’t like that and I was very close to her children when they were young, but it’s happened time and again. Or they think you can’t hold a baby or something. I mean, assumptions are always dangerous, aren’t they. And this aspect was big in the book and wasn’t signposted at least in the email I got encouraging me to read it.
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Mar 31, 2023 @ 10:24:07
Interesting, Liz… I think I would struggle with those over-personal elements too. There has to be a line and some respect for other people’s privacy and if it makes you feel uncomfortable then it must be too much. As for infertility issues, I know from friends/colleagues how devastating this can be, and I do feel for you and anyone else dealing with this (♥). However, her reactions do seem a bit extreme… All in all, I think you give a balanced and fair look at the book and well done for finishing this!
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Apr 01, 2023 @ 16:49:16
Thank you – I mean, I am very private and keep my friends’ business private; I tend to disclose personal stuff only when asked, although I know it’s good to be open, and certainly when I was open about the operation I was having I helped a friend talk about her husband’s health situation. Thank you for your kind words, it’s weird and complex as yes, being infertile and having that choice removed is pretty horrible (and I had a gap of a few years before finding out why: knowing why helped) but I certainly don’t get jealous or bitter of other people’s happiness, just like I’m not bitter about other people being faster runners or taller, etc.!
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Mar 31, 2023 @ 11:02:53
This does sound like it overstepped other people’s privacy so I’m definitely put off by that. I’m sorry you found yourself reading upsetting content you weren’t prepared for, it’s not an obvious subject for this book at all so no wonder it was a surprise. I’m childless by choice but I also get annoyed when people assume that means I never want to be anywhere near children – I actually enjoy their company!
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Apr 01, 2023 @ 16:53:56
Exactly, and it happens so often! Apparently the author is known for talking about this subject but we don’t always know all about an author when we come to their book, do we! I’m sure lots of people will like it but it was a bit much for me.
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Mar 31, 2023 @ 11:43:34
How awkward, and brave of you to read and write about. Sounds like she’s pushed the boundaries too far in writing this. Not a book for me.
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Apr 01, 2023 @ 16:54:44
Yes, awkward is the exact word for it! And thank you. It wasn’t too long and I read it in bits over a few days.
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Mar 31, 2023 @ 15:01:39
I’m intrigued…. just finished an older book called Loose Change, this would be a good next….and I feel a little connected to the topic
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Apr 01, 2023 @ 16:58:00
Intriguing, is that the Sara Davidson book about the 60s or a different one? This was interesting and I’m sure a lot of people will enjoy it.
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Apr 01, 2023 @ 18:19:03
yeah, I hadn’t read it since high school….
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Mar 31, 2023 @ 15:30:48
Will the number of friendships she has/d pare down now due to the book…?
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Apr 01, 2023 @ 16:59:21
Well, there is that, isn’t there! She does share how she’s learning to say no to friendships she doesn’t have time for, or how to get rid of toxic ones, and has quite a long example about a poor woman who was her neighbour and wanted more out of the friendship which would be upsetting if the person read about it! So I’m guessing yes.
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Mar 31, 2023 @ 15:55:25
I can see this would be a very uncomfortable read, particularly as you recognised someone you knew, not to mention the infertility issue which, ironically, sounds clumsily handled.
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Apr 01, 2023 @ 17:00:26
Yes, pretty well uncomfortable and awkward, and assumptions made around the infertility I suppose although really she doesn’t claim to represent all women, she just doesn’t really offer or acknowledge alternative reactions.
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Mar 31, 2023 @ 18:41:43
too uncomfortable for me, thank you for reading it and reviewing even though it was tough because it’s still given me things to think about
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Apr 01, 2023 @ 17:01:18
I wish I’d had me to tell me about it before I started it! But yes, there were a couple of points which were really interesting and I think I will take forward with me.
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Apr 01, 2023 @ 08:38:31
What Guy said (asked). We are used to this in Australia with Helen Garner constantly updating us on her life.
Though I should talk, not that any of my family have asked to be left out of my blog. Yet.
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Apr 01, 2023 @ 17:03:02
And what I replied to him! We do have other confessional writers of course but it’s usually signposted, whereas I came into this a bit naive. For example, I knew a woman whose running book I had really enjoyed had a new one about wild swimming – and fertility treatment – so avoided it. I’m not usually as personal on this blog so I wonder how long this post will stay up, although it felt important to record my personal reaction!
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Apr 01, 2023 @ 20:57:21
A difficult one for you Liz. Well done for persevering and commenting on what everyone said.
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Apr 02, 2023 @ 18:15:14
Thank you – I did have to take 24 hours to process the comments before replying!
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Apr 02, 2023 @ 09:18:25
Now read today’s Observer article Liz. Elizabeth Day seems to have re-evaluated her life after the end of her first marriage and childbearing possibilities. Worth reading, I think, but do take care of your own feelings. P.
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Apr 03, 2023 @ 08:40:42
I found the piece in the Observer but it was just an extract from the book. She has one in the Times about what not to say to a childless woman but I can’t get past the paywall and don’t want to give them my details, annoyingly!
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Apr 02, 2023 @ 14:14:06
This sounds like an interesting book, maybe a bit raw in places. I like Elizabeth Day, she does a fascinating podcast on how to fail which is definitely worth a listen. Perhaps it is good that she included both successful and unsuccessful friendships and was honest about those failures and all the ugly emotions that go with them. Hard to read, I expect, but sometimes we need someone who is honest enough to put it all out there so that when we fail it doesn’t seem so lonely?
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Apr 02, 2023 @ 18:18:30
I agree it’s very important to talk about such things – I haven’t read her book about failing, but that is important, too. I just felt it was a bit intrusive, that she could have talked about her experiences of the friendships without including all the identifying details of the people involved, I’m not sure I would like to be the neighbour she rebuffed, for example; however, as I hope I’ve made clear, I can see this unease comes from my own way of dealing with things / talking about things and my own preferences.
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Apr 02, 2023 @ 18:27:47
Oh I understand your discomfort, I think I would feel the same. Maybe a bit more anonymity for those referred to would have been better.
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Apr 02, 2023 @ 21:15:29
Ooooh thank you so much for this thoughtful review Liz! Haha I am indeed keen to know what you think about this book and other friendship-related ones. I’m not sure if you felt this way about the book, though I wonder if some of the author’s emotions and reactions to her friends felt a little… not fully processed yet? That’s the vibe I’m sensing from this review though I could be mistaken! And the topic of anonymity is so interesting. I don’t feel like there’s a clear black or white right or wrong approach to the topic, though I do think that if you have a relationship with the person it makes sense to ask (e.g., for two of my best friends, one of them is totally fine and I think perhaps even enjoys when I use her real first name on my blog, whereas my other best friend prefers me to check in with her when I describe her so the description is sufficiently anonymous). I suppose if you don’t have the type of relationship with your friend where you’d ask, especially if it’s going to be in a public forum, it makes sense to anonymize out of courtesy, though idk if it’s against the law to not anonymize.
This book and review brings up so many interesting topics. So glad more folks are writing and reading about friendship. I added this one to my tbr!
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Apr 03, 2023 @ 08:44:35
It is indeed good that there are more books about friendship and that’s why I requested this one. FWIW I think the way you write about your friendships on your blog is just right – we get an idea of how they work and how intentional the friendships are but I couldn’t find those actual people based on what you say about them. There isn’t a law about anonymising here although there are about libel, etc., but I just felt uneasy a) having all the details about the actual friends, b) reading so much about the ex-friends and thinking how they would feel being thus represented out in the world. A bit of anonymising wouldn’t have gone amiss there, I do feel. I feel like, yes, she might not have processed the reactions fully and be ready to share them. Although she has clearly processed a lot of the childlessness stuff and decided how she feels and there is room for change in that one. No idea if she did ask as she probably explains that in the Acknowledgements and they were missing in the ARC I read! If I remember, I will leaf through a copy of the book to see what it says there!
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Apr 06, 2023 @ 06:56:24
I first came across her when she began presenting Open Book. She has always come across as a bright and bubbly character, but it seems from this book there was a lot of emotional baggage when was carrying. I have her book, How to Fail, to read, and not really sure that this would be for me though!
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Apr 08, 2023 @ 15:46:55
Yes, a lot of emotional baggage and personal stuff to spill out. I’m not massively intending to read How to Fail now. But it’s interesting and I did learn from it.
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Apr 09, 2023 @ 08:18:35
I found a copy in a charity shop so will skim read it I think
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